Can't Compete

I am not a competitive person. I have never felt comfortable auditioning or interviewing or competing in any way.  I played softball as a child, and by “played softball”  I mean, made daisy chains in right field . In four years of softball, I hit the ball once, and only by accident. My poor, sad lesbian moms could do nothing but shake their heads and wonder where they had gone wrong.

Whenever something becomes competitive I lose interest.  They say you can achieve your goals better when competing with friends, I beg to differ. I stopped playing Wii Fit when my husband made it his goal to beat all of my scores.  When getting 10,000 steps a day became a FitBit competition I often forgot to wear it.  A very competitive friend of mine insisted on joining me at Weight Watchers, so I eventually stopped going.  That and
Mark’s ex-wife started working for Weight Watchers in various locations.  She filled in for people at the front desk.  I didn’t want to risk the humiliation of a weigh-in by my husband’s ex-wife. Boy, I showed her.  I gained wait.  TAKE THAT!

Mark loves to compete. He tracks stats and he demolishes high scores.  When his mother was beating his steps on Fitbit, he accused her of “rubbing it in” and then decided to run a marathon. Seriously, I wish my brain worked like that. I do. It has never even occurred to me to trash talk anyone playing Cranium, and then there’s fantasy football, but that is a rant for another time.

If doing something competitively makes me want to quit, I should use this to my advantage. I should take up Competitive eating, Competitive Procrastination and Competitive eye-rolling. 

Or…

Maybe I just haven’t found my niche or joie de vivre or other misused French cliché.  Perhaps I am competing in the wrong things.

Competitions I could probably win.

1. Sitting  On Ass, Scrolling Netflix Without Ever Deciding on Something To Watch.

2. Coming Up With Witty Retort or Comeback Several Hours After It is Necessary.

3. Scouting Out Kid Tolerant Happy Hours

4. Social Awkwardness and Self Conscious Mingling With Other Parents

5. Poor Punctuation, Grammar and badly formatted bullet points.

6. Royally Sucking at Video Games

7. Avoiding Eye Contact With Anyone Holding a Clipboard or Binder Downtown

8. Avoiding Eye Contact With Anyone Holding a Clipboard or Binder on The PTA

9. Hating Fantasy Football With A Fiery Passion.

10. Obscure List Making.

I don’t know that I would win all of these but I am pretty sure I could give someone a run for their money in a competition.  Until those become actual events, I think I am stuck with my ambivalence.   I would be the first one voted off of Survivor, The first one dead in The Hunger Games and I could never Keep up with the Kardashians.

This is my husband competing in a skipping competition at our wedding.

January 2nd Is The New January 1st

I have never liked New Year’s Day. January 1st makes me grumpy. Making a fresh start and developing a better personality while nursing a hangover seems like a recipe for failure. It’s too much pressure. I make the same resolutions every year.  Eat better, freak out less, get more exercise, stop obsessing on Web MD, spend less time on Facebook, keep the car clean, start a new blog.  

By 7:30 last night, I had pretty much broken every resolution I had even thought about making.

I should have just made easier resolutions…a modified “To Do” list.  I would have felt much more successful had I made the following New Year’s resolutions.

-Finally remember to move the load of laundry to the dryer after rewashing it twice.

-Spend too much money on a drip coffee.

-Argue with my 6 year old about why she shouldn’t keep her sunglasses under her foot for safe keeping.

-Make it downtown to ride the holiday carousel one last time.

-Bitch about how everyone moves at a snails pace downtown and then decides that the perfect place to congregate with their family is right at the bottom of the escalator.

-Obsess on Web MD

-Update my Facebook Status

-Make my husband look forward to going back to work, so he doesn’t have to listen to me complain anymore.

I could have kept all of those resolutions. I DID all of those.  I am a rockstar!

Today, I resolve to be less of a bitch and to start a blog.

I have started a blog.